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Me and my lovely new(ish) phone


New phones are terrible things.

We want them and yet we don’t.

We live in a world of constant upgrades so why not play the game?

My new phone is a refurbished model, cheap and pleasing to the eye like some second rate actor that never made it. I held it in my hand and realised it suited me, if such a thing can happen.

The first thing I did was place one of my paintings as a screensaver.

I do this as a precaution. In case the phone gets stolen.

I’ll have a bargaining chip with my alleged robber if he or she is so kind to take my call.

‘That painting on the screen, you can have it, if you only return my phone…safely and in one piece’

We agree to a drop zone, possibly a deserted car park.

I emerge from the shadows with a large abstract in my arms. He (or she), balaclava of course stands maybe thirty yards away and holds up the phone so that I can see it.

We both nod.

I lay the canvas against a wall and back away and he (or she) slides the phone into a neutral zone, rather insensitively scratching the screen in the process.

They’ll probably have trouble getting such a large painting into their getaway car so I’ll probably stand there making suggestions to turn it this way and that.

They might agree to a smaller painting from the gallery or even a commission a piece! They apologize for the scratching on the screen.

I need to get out more

.. And stop looking at my phone, even if the screensaver is the best thing about it in my humble opinion.

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